I missed my first long run two weeks ago. I knew I had to run long today even if my schedule called for lower mileage (yeah, I am actually writing about running). Running long today will put me at 4 consecutive weeks of long mileage, something that might not be too healthy but I am afraid to fall behind. I don’t have that endurance built in in me; I have to build it through practice and mileage.
It was cold, colder than I anticipated. Gust of winds made my pace feel harder, harder than it already was. I broke it down into 6 and then 10 miles and that helped me mentally a little. But it didn’t feel right, something didn’t feel right. I had my music on, probably louder than it ever has been (I like to keep it low enough to hear the cars) but today I blasted it trying to quiet my own mind.
Running has always given me that peace, it has calmed my mind, my anxiety and if anything it has relaxed me. Today, I had that frustration feeling with me the whole time and running didn’t give me what I was looking for. I cursed the wind; I cursed my stubbornness in running long. I cursed the mistakes I make even when I don’t know I am making them, I grieved the unforgiveness of those mistakes. I hated feeling so powerless against the elements and against this feeling that is only the reflection of my own mind. Somehow I thought today was going to be different, good. Somehow today was supposed to be the start of something good. It wasn’t.
Tomorrow will be another run, a shorter one. And the week will go on, the miles will add up. I will forget today, this feeling will fade and I’ll go back to that place I have found lately, that place where I am now, at peace.
3 years ago