I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Ordinary World

His absence doesn’t feel real yet.

Since he was laid face down on my abdomen 18 years ago, I have only not seen him for two straight weeks this summer. And now…

His room is clean so I know he is gone. He was never much of a talker but the house feels so quiet. There is so much empty silence where before there was his silence.

In the last 6 months when he visited his friend I got used to not seeing him until the evening. My brain is still playing games pretending he is coming home later. I still look at the phone and for a fraction of a second, I expect that text message “where are you, mama?” I felt restrained by his schedule having to drive 5 miles to get him every night. I wouldn’t mind driving 5 hours to Buffalo now.

Our separation was predetermined from the start, we prepared for it, we planned it and he set goals to achieve. It is a good thing. He will be a good thing; he is a good thing already.

But it does not feel normal even when it is.

When he walked up the stairs to his dorm on Goodyear building, wiping his own tears mixed in with ours, and the heartbreaking sobs of his sister, he entered almost reluctantly into the ordinary world of adulthood where there is no return to the childhood I still see in his grown up face.

There is a latent ache. Not a pressing ache but the one you get used to because you can always go to the memories, but it is an ache, nevertheless.

I miss my son. There is so much good to remember, in fact, all is good.