I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Friday, May 01, 2009


Countdown

Twice a year separated by an interval of 6 months, I face the proximity of a test; a test that determines if I continue business as usual or not.

My countdown starts a month ahead of time. I wake up and count: 29 days, then 28 days and so on. I shouldn’t fixate on a date but that is easier said than done. There is no should or should’ve here, it is raw emotions at best and nothing more.

The real changes start early, much earlier than that. Subtle changes in my mood, little patience for the things I normally do, but mostly a wave of raw emotions that are triggered by anything anytime. A nurturing need that gets more acute as time goes on and an irrational urge to satisfy it.

Each time it feels new. Practice lets me recognize it sooner, but it does not make it better. As the day approaches, the fear and the irrationality of it increases. That fear of what if….

I have known that fear before. Enough times to know that it must be kept inside, quiet within me. I know that as much as anyone wants to be part of it, the ramifications of this fear, the latent side effects of it, has a cumulative effect on people and relationships are eventually affected by it.
So the fear remains hidden but showing in disguise, in an attitude that perplexes some, annoys others. Wanting to so much talk about it and not daring, not daring to take the chance.

Talking about it might take responsibility away from my actions and place them on my fear so I keep it inside (except that now I'm blogging it). It is my little secret with myself. And for now, that secret is safe. And it will eventually go away for another 6 months.