It was hours after I heard the worst news of my life. There had been periods of extreme anguish, despair, and fear in the moments that followed the diagnosis. I was still feeling in a fog, floating in a semi surreal stage. I heard crying, anger, words of sympathy and courage but I remained floating.
Then everyone left and I was left alone for a few minutes.
I walked outside and stood on my porch. The sky was clear on this perfect night of spring.
Suddenly, I felt it. A kind of calmness. A connection. I looked up and said “God, hold my hand and walk with me, guide me. Help me make it.”
I stood there, taking it in, breathing it.
Then it was over.
The moment ended and I walked back inside to wait for my relatives and give them encouragement and hope.
I have had moments where I have felt confident, when I have prayed and felt God has really heard me. I have also had many other moments of despair, sadness, anguish. But I have never again experienced that kind of calmness I felt that May evening.
I always look for it.