I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Training Run

I woke up at 5:20 a.m. with plenty of time to meet the other two runners at 7:20 for my training run but I made sure I wasted enough time before leaving so that I had to drive above the speed limit the entire way. I always do that. I find a way to push me past the threshold of comfort.

I had not bought Half and Half to replace the expired one I had added to my coffee the day before and because I was so late, I had not time to stop at Dunkin Donuts to get me that cup of caffeine I have convinced myself I need before all my long runs. One more card I can hold up my sleeve to justify ahead of time a poor performance in my run.

I had all of those cards lined up same as I do before a race. In addition to my lack of coffee I was starting my run after a tiring week, and a slow recovery from a hard work out.

I was set. I had already told myself that I might not do well.

Today proved all my excuses for a poor performance wrong. I actually had a great run, a long great run - a 19.5 mile run.

I question why I doubt myself so often. And my only answer is that it is easier and better to be pleasantly surprised than abruptly disappointed.

When I was in college I always held a high GPA but it didn’t come easy. I worked hard for it. I never not prepared to know if I could have done the same without studying as others did. I was always ready but I never felt ready. My classmates caught on that faster than I did, “you always say that and you always get 95” and I did but I never took it for granted.

And that is how I feel about running. Today at mile 16 I did what I have not done in a while, I looked up and thanked God for the gift of being here running, just here.

I never take it for granted but I never feel quite ready and I always push my limit past the threshold of comfort delaying the moment when I’ll have to test what I can do. Delaying finding out if I will be pleasantly surprised or abruptly disappointed.