I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Losing Oneself

To live is so startling it leaves no time for anything else. – Emily Dickinson

I followed and looked for something that no longer belonged to me forgetting to live in its pursuit.

What had been mine once had been an important part of my life and it had deserved the force with which I fought to bring it back, but it was gone and although I was not ready to accept its defeat without a fight, a part of me knew that its short lived existence in my life had brought me happiness, but it was also time to realize it had ended and it had ended because there was no longer a reason for it to stay.

But the rest of my being fought with all the passion that was in me to regain and reconquer what I had thought would never leave. And it had…it had left me. My world did not have what I so much loved. My world was empty, I was empty.

I tried to fill my emptiness by holding on to a past that no longer existed and in doing so I prevented a future from materializing. I refused to create a new memory because my memories were taken. And so was my life, I had forgotten how to live.

Loving intensely should not take over one’s life. We can only give the best of who we are when we remain who we are, shaped and enhanced by those around us but not reduced by their presence and not displaced by their absence.

Passionately fighting for what I loved is not something I regret and if I had to live my life again, I would love just as intensely and I would work as hard to retain what I loved but I would hope that I’d accept loss without losing sight of who I am as I did the first time around.

Accepting loss takes dignity and reclaiming of self respect, something I had also forgotten in my pursuit. But when a loss becomes real, when there is no more to hope for, only in acceptance there can be freedom.

The memories don't have to die. They will always live even in the freedom that we choose. It is them that make the past worth it, and the future enticing.