I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Old habits are Hard To Break

Some patterns never change and we might never figure out why we end up getting tangled in the same kind of web time after time.

There are many of those patterns in my life. I won’t get into the most delicate ones because explaining them would take more space than I want to devote to a post. There are simple ones instead that I can explain more easily and we all can relate to. Take for instance working really hard to achieve something. That’s a good one.

I was that kind of a kid. Always did my homework, always did what I was supposed to do and a little more. When I worked with others, I lead the largest group. Well, that is not a surprise, I did most of the work and we got good grades. But I also had a diversified group that was formed by “good girls” (the ones who had good grades) and some “bad girls” (the ones who cut class and didn’t do their homework). I did my work and I always made sure my group got along. I was far from being a teacher’s pet but I was respected by them. The bad girls respected me too. I worked hard to earn their respect. But more than anything I worked hard to keep the peace in my group.

That pattern continued into my adult life. I don’t know how many times at work I have acted as mediator, or tried to get two people to work out their differences. And in my running club, I have picked up the slack of others. I have also apologized without being at fault or smiled when treated in a substandard way always asking to “work it out”. All for peace.

I guess the reason for my pursuit of peace has been my selfish avoidance of conflict, not wanting anyone to be mad a me. That has not always been easy. I am and have always been opinionated although as I matured or better yet, as I grew older, I have learned to compromise and to tame my opinions sometimes choosing to remain quiet – I know, that’s hard.

Today, I am tired. All relationships (work, clubs, personal) that we care to keep require a certain amount of work but they should not be that difficult. I want easy as I get older, I want to be treated with respect. I don’t want to work hard.

So today, here I am, opinionated but reserved, loyal and honest. And if that’s not enough tomorrow I might try harder again, after all old habits are hard to break.