I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Monday, July 06, 2009

Following the Call of the Heart.

A conversation with a friend last night triggered a memory.

It was the birthday of someone I had cared for deeply and still did at that point. Although a bad break up, I remembered the birthday (I always do, even 20 years later!) and drove to his office.

I parked outside (it is difficult to find parking inside, don’t you think?) and took a deep breath. I turned my car back on and then off again deciding if I should go in with the Dunkin Donuts coffee in my hand or drop it off at the front desk.

What could be bad about bringing a person who had been important in my life a cup of coffee to let him know I still remembered his birthday? That it was still important to me? Nothing, absolutely nothing. But it had been a nasty break up and every meeting, every encounter had been at that same level…nasty.

Cards, letters, calls, had been ignored. I was not looking for a reconnection. I don’t know what I looked for, maybe just to transition into a place with no hurtfulness. It seemed impossible.

Walking into that office on my own was exposing myself to getting hurt again.

I took one last deep breath and made my way to the office, my heart beating fast.

I was not disappointed. Within minutes I knew my visit had been another mistake in the long list I had brewed in the months since the break up.

I drove away hating myself for having again allowed this person to hurt me.

It took me a while to be okay with yet one more rejection but as time went by and my own emotions quiet, I realized I had done what was right for me, I had followed my feelings and extended my hand one more time. Whether it put a smile on his face, a smile he would never show me, or not, it made me smile later knowing I had let this great love know that someone somewhere still cared.

And to me, that was enough.