I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Vacations and Runs

There have been vacations I have taken to get away from my own mind. Seeking solitude in a remote place to calm my fear or my sadness, whatever it was I needed at the time. Trying to find peace in the deafening silence of my own heart. There were always runs of different mileage in those vacations, but they were interrupted by the same emotions that got me to that spot in the first place.

There have been vacations in the company of my kids, vacations designed for them and around them and watching them has been fun. My kids probably enjoyed it too…or I hope they did. Most times I ran before they awoke trying not to steal any time away from them and giving me a little time alone.

There have been other vacations that have been great or…better than great where every day has felt perfect. The days are filled with ease since the moment I wake up. The lack of itinerary has not precluded the fun I have had, it has added to it. The runs have been long and fulfilling. It has felt so complete.

So perfect.

There have been other vacations. Casual vacations that have been….casual. At times good, and at times disappointing only because I have sought to escape through them what I couldn’t escape. While in the company of others I have gone for runs alone to reclaim the space I needed. Sometimes these vacations have felt incomplete filling with noise and chatter the emptiness I have felt. I have returned empty just as I left.

And there was a recent vacation I took with the only goal to get away from work and noise, nothing more. I didn’t try to escape but I did in the serenity of the trees, I didn’t look for silence but I found it in the sound of the water, I didn’t ask for laughter but I had it. I didn’t ask for fun but I found it. I did intend to run and I did.

Maybe indeed happiness is the absence of striving for happiness (Chuang Tzu). We forget when we stop trying to forget. We heal when we let ourselves heal.

Maybe I am healing.