I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Don't, Please!

There are dates I remember and there are dates I am forced to remember. I am a date person. I remember the stupidest things:

Yes, we had ice cream there on June 17, 2005.
We discussed that Walk race on the November meeting of 2006.
That restaurant closed on August 20, 2008.

I remember those dates for no reason other than because that is how my mind works.

There are other dates I don’t remember and it is usually for a good reason. I don’t remember when I was diagnosed but I remember everything around it. I remember my desk, the wait for the call; I remember the skirt I wore.

I know Mother’s Day was a couple of days later but I don’t remember the date. I do, however, remember my daughter, 8 years old then, running up the hill after me with a handmade card that read “I want to spend every day of my life with you”. I remember her asking me if my dark sunglasses were hiding tears. “No, Honey, it is just the sun” I remember answering.

I only remember today’s date because I am forced to remember it a day or even a week ahead of time. Radio stations, Facebook messages and everything around reminds me of it.

I don't want to be reminded of the date. I do remember what happened, I cannot forget it. Often as it is with me, one emotion triggers another one. One incident of sadness sparks many others. And this day reminds me of the tragedy of that horrific day, the details of the suffering of so many innocent people and it also brings up to the surface the desolation of those days in my personal life; my 8 year old daughter in the ICU of a hospital and my own personal bout with an illness.

I don’t try to forget, it is impossible. Those tragic moments live in my memory. But I don’t like to dwell back in the darkness of those days, in the despair of then. It doesn’t seem to help me to go back to those emotions.

What does help me is to know that we can endure, that we can move on, that we can survive, that there is God over Evil, that there is love over hatred. That there is peace over anger. That there is health over illness.

That is what I need to remember. That I cannot forget.