I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Monday, October 21, 2013

Have I changed?

In my teens and early twenties I felt very strongly about everything and I was not afraid to express it. I told whoever wanted to know how I felt and I was not lying. What I said I believed.

So many of those things I vowed I would never do, I did. Many of the things I then judged, I understood a decade later.

In my late twenties, married and with children, I made many other statements about raising children, about being married, about basically everything. I knew it all.

The truth of the matter is that I didn’t know what to do all the time but I was too stupid to see it so I remained making those know-it-all statements.

Eventually I saw the light, or at least I stopped being in complete darkness. Part of it was the normal emotional growth attributed to whatever maturity I acquired. Part of it was life itself. That change – I won’t even call it enlightenment because it was no more than realizing as Socrates said “I know that I don’t know” - came in my mid-thirties and to this day I am still figuring my way out of my own stupidity.

I still think that I know what I feel today, although I have no clue what I will feel tomorrow about the same issue, but at least now I accept that as a fact.

I realize now that the simplest of things have challenged me beyond belief and I can not tell anyone today how to do anything. All I know is that nothing is that simple for me to have the answers.

By the same token I thought I had the answer to love relationships. Who was I trying to kid???? I’ll never tell anyone ever (again) "get over it". You get over it when you get over it.

It is not experience alone, it was not time alone, it was not life alone, but it was the combination of all those elements.

All I have going for me now is the awareness that I don’t have the answers.

All I know is that I don’t know.

And today, that is a good place to be.