I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Monday Morning

It is a chilled morning. I took a quick walk down the road to buy my coffee. My light jacket was a perfect fit for the brisk air of this September morning. It is that time when the biggest decision of the day is if the heat should be turned on after months of a non-existing summer. My biggest decision instead is if I want to get out of bed, but I have commitments so I have to get up, but I don’t want to. I feel this heaviness again.

It has been a long time since I felt this way.

A mix of confusion, frustration and misery. Almost desperate.

My mind creates conversations that might take place one day but which outcome won't be what I wanted when they were created. In the vacuum of my mind my voice is calm, my delivery gentle, I speak with emotion and feeling in my voice and I am heard. All is good. I want to remain in that imaginary place; it’s safer there than it is to take the conversations on the road.

There is stillness around me. I hear the music in the background and the jokes and cubicle noises of my office. I am in another world far from all of it, far from the normality of my days. I am in my own space today. It is unfashionable to cry when there is no apparent reason for it, no reason that is socially accepted but that is the feeling that slowly is creeping in on me today.

I feel aloofness around me but not sure I know why or how to remedy it so I let it exist in me, cycle my mind and my body and find its way out. I wonder how much strength and courage it is needed to fight these emotions and move on again without showing any sign of grief or sadness for what is gone or for what never existed or if the strength and courage is found in accepting the feelings that exist and to feel them as I am now.

I might be a coward.

This is who I am today.