I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

And There'll be Thorns

There have been relationships of different nature; strong, mild, casual and in between that have faded away over time with no real reason to account for their demise. And unrelated to their importance or lack of, I have let them go and have been okay with it bringing them back to memory only occasionally.

It is, however, those relationships that have ended in conflict and on a sour note that I have struggled with. In long hours of reflection sometimes running, sometimes driving, sometimes in the solitude of my home, I have tried to understand my own psychology, what makes me stumble over these break ups for so long.

I don’t know.

Two of the most important relationships in my life ended in different ways. The circumstances of the break ups are not relevant but the way they ended yielded different long term emotional results.

The one ended in tears, heartbreaking sobs and promises of a love that would never die. The other ended in conflict, accusations and hurtfulness that continued when the relationship didn’t.

Although the intensity of feelings was very much the same, the memory of the first one always filled my heart with gladness. The one that ended in conflict held me captive in a futile search for closure. The unsettledness that its conflict left behind was not a desire to salvage the relationship in its original form, but it did make the break up more painful.

Frustration, fear, and the desire to find peace and resolution were driven forces that kept me imprisoned in a volatile relationship hoping to create an amicable ending that would never come. Or maybe it was simply a quest for closure before I could let go.

I don’t know…

Even mutually knowing and accepting that we would not seek to recreate the past, a deep part of me refuses to accept that I once loved someone with whom I can’t have a civil conversation anymore. It seems contradictory to me. In a logical sense, I try to understand that what attracted us to one another is still present in the core of who we are and should evoke in us a warm feeling even when and after our paths take on a new direction away from each other.

Maybe that is the problem. There is no logic to break ups.

I still have not figured out why relationships that end in conflict disturb me so much but they do. As I said before, let me remember you the way that I loved you so that I can remember you forever. The uplifting feelings it once gave me should not be replaced by unsettledness.