I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Monday, November 23, 2009

  • No Time To Waste
The cake stared at me balancing in the hands of my sister-in-law.

“Make a wish” she urged

I closed my eyes and did.

“What is it? A big wish as you turn 40”.

“That I will be 50.”

My mind went to that moment just a few days earlier when I had been given the news. When the nurses left to prepare for the next test, I had bargained with God for more time to raise my kids, time to get them ready.
How much time was that?
I asked for 10 years but settled for 5 if that is all I could have. Would I make it to 45?

Blowing the candles for a wish of 10 years seemed like a big wish.

I wished away.

Time is uncertain. I might make it to 50 or I might get run over by a truck tomorrow. We don’t know.

Life changes so rapidly. We don’t own more than a moment. Yet we waste that moment. Many moments.

How will it be if I wake up one morning and find out the one I love is gone or…if I’m gone. Will they miss me? Will they regret not talking to me last?

A friend told me recently that I am “an effort girl”. I wasn’t always. I didn’t ask anyone to stay, I didn’t try more than my share. I didn’t take “crap” from anyone. “You don’t like it, leave” kind of thing. Friends could come and friends could go. Loves would be forgotten and replaced.

Until now. Maybe an unforeseen gift of adversity, a reward of facing mortality more clearly than others, I don’t want to waste moments.

I have, but I don’t want to anymore.

I don’t want to get to the end of my life realizing I wasted a chance to love someone, to have them in my life, to walk with them on the beach, to watch dolphins, to watch a sunset, to help them be happy, to be happy.

I don’t want to realize I wasted life.