I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Mad At the Universe

Reading an article today I was reminded of the time when I was mad at God. Yes, I have been mad at a few people but never before at God.

Actually, I was mad twice. The first time was in the parking lot of the hospital where my daughter, then 8 years old, was rushed after a dog attack. I walked outside when I was told she would lose her ear and possibly her leg. My hands in a fist I demanded a reason why she was suffering. I was going through enough for both of us, I was ill, seriously ill, there was no need for her to be thrown into the mess and misery I was living. It was unfair, I yelled. “It is not right, she does not deserve this” .But after a few minutes my yelling became a whisper as I kneeled and prayed.

I was really angry a year later when after my life resumed its normal course, I felt I had been given a second chance. I took it and ran with it somewhat arrogantly. I felt nothing could stop me then. I had God on my side, it was evident because I had survived and now I was on top of the world. I had earned it.

11 months later I was informed I had relapsed and the fight would start again.

In the stairs of a church, I hugged my husband sobbing and asked why, why again. Once should be enough, why now, what had I done wrong?

Nothing. I had not done anything wrong. I had eaten right, I had prayed, I had exercised, I had amended relationships. I had forgiven, I had asked for forgiveness, what now?

I felt cheated. I felt God had failed me.

I stopped praying. I stopped running. I stopped eating. I spent my nights awake. Angry, Angry at a God that had disappointed me. I had kept my end of the deal and God had not. I had worked hard for almost a year to regain what I had lost, yes- there are friends who leave when we are no longer fun, jobs we can’t do. I have found a new job, the stability, the confidence, I was beginning to get all of that back and now, what?

I blamed God for what was happening to me. Attributing the responsibility of my suffering to God.

But sh*t happens. For no reason, no apparent reason and I needed a reason. My logical mind needed a reason.

It is hard at times like that not to try to find something or someone to blame for our misfortune as if in finding it, we could also find a way out. It is hard not to ask “why”.

Sh*t happens and the cause of our suffering remains puzzling. Partially caused by natural law, yet the suffering is hard to understand.

After two months angry, one morning I woke up and prayed. I ran again. And I faced my trial with faith, with God by my side.
I hope never to be angry again, not at God. But one big difference between us is that I remain….human, I get angry.