I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Wrong Outlet

There are days when I feel bad about my actions.

I just feel plain bad. This is one of those times.

I was picking up my daughter from a friend’s house. I was driving back after a day of work and other bullshit. Texted her and then parked outside the house. Honked, she didn’t come out. I left and 5 minutes later, she called.

I was angry. I yelled at her demanding an explanation why she had not been waiting, why she had not answer the phone, why she had not texted me back. It escalated to her room, her notes, her friends.

I was angry.

But I was not angry at her. I let the frustrations of my life get in the way of my communication with my kid.

Later I was angry at myself for letting outside variables interfere with the ones I love. How do I explain to her that I was not angry at her, that I acted out what I was feeling inside that had nothing to do with her?

That I am only human, that these things happen is not an excuse that I am satisfied with.

That I am aware of it is a good thing. But I have to do better than that. I can not allow my aggravations and disappointments to disappoint her. I must minimize the outside variables in my life that upset me and avoid directing unnecessary anger to the innocent bystander.

The one I love so much.