I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Monday, February 08, 2010

Hitting The Wall

Some emotions and feelings are distinctive because of the way they creep on us seemingly out of nowhere.

Listening to a song – I have the tendency to get into lyrics - it brought me back to a couple of feelings that have overpowered me more than once with no warning. They have come out of nowhere, literally.

Take for instance the feeling that overcomes a runner in a marathon at around mile - give or take - 20. One can be full of energy, smiling, high fiving, waiving at 19 and then within a few minutes “bang!!!!” it seems that the life is sucked out of us and we are left gasping, depleted, exhausted, in my case praying. All self control, all promises and plans are gone. No goals, nothing “I just want to finish” feeling. “I want this pain to end” feeling.

The plans, the training, the expectations, it all seems to be wasted, out the window. “Self control” gone, pride gone. All gone. Nothing seems to matter, nothing matters. Just make this pain go away.

There is another feeling I have been familiar with. The one the song talks about. “Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control…”.

There are those times when our resolve vanishes and we lose all control and the promises made to ourselves of not calling, not trying, not begging seem to go out the window and all we want, as in the marathon, is to reach that finish line and be free of this overwhelming ache. And we go from promising we’ll never call again, to dialing that number one more time while hoping we can end this pain.

And we wonder, we wonder if it will ever end.

The distance of the marathon can bring you to your knees. Love, a love we miss, a love we lost, can bring us to our knees. But "I rather hurt than to feel nothing at all". I rather not deprive myself of feeling, that would be a wasted life..

The difference between the two is that the emotional pain eventually gets better with time. The marathon feeling only gets worse.

So between a marathon and love…hmmmmm tough decision.