I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Update on my affair

My wine affair, that is. No other. Almost two weeks since the start of Lent. I come home and make myself a cup of chai and love it. I have not missed wine at all, not one bit. The local liquor store doesn't share my enthusiasm, I'm sure. Their sales must have dropped dramatically.

Don’t get me wrong, this won’t be forever.

I love wine and never want to stop enjoying it. But that is the key word, enjoying it.

I have used wine for more than enjoyment. It serves as my tranquilizer when the fear of my health strikes. It does its job and then I go on for another 6 months without feeling that fear again.

Never overused but misused, it has also been my self medication for moments of sadness and when the sadness has turned into anguish. There were times in my life when I drove home in tears every day and the wine was my escape to the pain. What it really did was cover up my grief and help me get through the night, then wake up with a terrible headache and start the cycle again.

Not a solution for my grief, it provided a temporary band aid over the wound that wouldn’t heal.

And the days went on and the medicine didn’t give me better results. The sadness remained and the emptiness didn’t get any better with the wine.

But as time heals and wounds scab, the wine slowly went back to be enjoyed until another crisis be it health, or jobs or other revived the need for its soothing effects.

Fast forward today. Wine has been both, enjoyment and stress reliever and because it’s there, I pour it as I feel fit. But it is less of the pacifier that hides my tears or the sedative that helps me get through the night if a sad moment strikes. There are less tears now, I guess and some old wounds healed or maybe it is because I have learned to handle other issues without going berserk.

I don’t know, seems that my fermented grape juice has gone down a notch. But I am sure my wine distributor is missing me...it won't be for long. I'll be back.