I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Monday, April 19, 2010

My Empty Moments

I enjoy being alone now. Sometimes I seek loneliness.

That is different from where I have been.

There was a period in my life when I wanted to have a booked agenda every day. In hindsight, it was more my attempt at showing the world I was okay, “look at me, I am fine, I don’t need anybody”. But every door that closed after my meetings were over was met with tears of emptiness.

I wasn’t lonely, but I was empty.

Or I wasn’t alone, but I was empty and lonely.

It took a long time for my heart to stop looking to be fulfilled by replacing what it thought gave it happiness with every object that presented a potential for that happiness it longed to have. Is there happiness when we place it upon others and not ourselves?

Now I remember those moments with sadness but not the sadness for what I thought I needed, but with the sadness for the despair with which I sought to calm that emptiness. That incredible emptiness that rendered me…empty. The laughs I didn’t feel; the conversations when my mind wandered and had to fake attention. The drive back home knowing I had not found what I wanted it. And that sadness again, that incredible sadness.

I have learned now to enjoy my own company again. No, I have not “learned”. Learning means I have made an effort, a forceful effort. It happened. Eventually it does. One day we find ourselves busying around, or grabbing a book, a CD or simply taking a walk alone and feeling good about the company we keep in our empty moments.