I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Saturday, April 03, 2010


It was years ago around this time I received the first phone call; “the catscan you just had revealed the possibility of a malignancy”.
I hang up the phone and walked outside heading towards the pond with my mind in a fog, a feeling I have come to know every time my brain seems unable to grasp the tension that engulfs me. Not knowing why I looked for the pine tree my son had planted on his first day of school. It had made it through 5 winters. With fear I noticed it had not survived the last one. I ran in panic to the house and looked for the hostas that had appeared at the first sign of spring since we bought the house. They were not there.

Was this a sign? Was my home getting ready for death?

Was it or was it getting rid of the old and cleaning the soil for new renewed life.

I take infrequent walks to the pond. I seem to do that when I need a moment alone. Sometimes I smile remembering my little boy throwing gold fish on the pond, sometimes I remember the conversations I have had while picking blueberries or simply enjoying a glass of wine. And other times, most times, alone thinking or not.

Years have passed now, the little boy whose pine tree died that spring has gone on to college.

I took a walk over to the pond today taking a moment to look around and see what I normally don’t see. The pond is not what it was 9 years ago. It is framed now with new and strong trees all around it. New hostas now pierce the ground around my house and new flowers surround my property.

Maybe the ground is teaching me a lesson, showing me a way. Sometimes we need to allow something to die to allow room for new renewed life.

It is scary at first, but strong and beautiful later.