I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Saturday, September 04, 2010

As The World Turns

There are those moments when we want the world to stop for everybody like it seems to have stopped for us.

I remember feeling bitterly resentful towards my doctor when I walked out of the exam room and overheard him laughing with his colleagues.

Why was he not devastated as he looked minutes earlier when he broke the news; “results are concerning”? He had walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I thought I saw a tear forming behind the glasses but it was probably the reflection of mine.

Life went on for him when he left the exam room. It had too. There were others waiting.

Difficult to see others laughing when we are crying. Selfish of me to feel that way but that is how we feel when we hurt. It seems that if others hurt as well our load will feel less heavy. But it won’t. It will only make two people just as miserable.

It would have to be something like this:

“are you sad? Please, allow me to cry with you and remain sad until you no longer are”

Stupid. The world will laugh with you but let you cry alone is an old cliché but an honest one. I remember another honest statement made to me by a coworker who survived a life threatening illness. “When you get better is the most difficult part of your journey, you will lose friends, don’t sweat it”. I vowed to prove that wrong, but I didn’t. Simple, friends meet us when we are fun and interesting and during serious medical issues we can be anything but fun or interesting. It is a lonely place, sickness.

I don’t like happy funerals. I don't like people laughing and joking in them. If the passage to death is a happy one, it does not feel that way to the ones who are mourning the loss of a loved one. I don’t like funerals, period. No happy ones, no somber ones. And if I could avoid being in mine, that would be even better. But funerals are not meant to be liked unless you work there. And in that case, it is business as usual.

The world must go on, our life must go on or at least we hope that it does.