Of Illness and Love
One of the things I remember from that day was the doctor’s advice as he presented the diagnosis. “Gather all your allies and learn all you can about your enemy. That’s how a war is won. You are fighting an enemy.”
It would be a long time before I’d gather the courage to visit an informational site about the illness I had. But only a few minutes later, sitting in front of my desktop, I would wish I had never read the homepage’s information. “No known cure”; “Life expectancy 11 years after diagnosis”.
The fear immobilized me. If there was benefit in knowing what I had just learned, I failed to see it. I have never logged on to that site again. I see no benefit in it. I can live without a knowledge that hurts me or scares me. I don’t need to know how many people die annually from this illness. I need a knowledge that lifts me up, not one that puts me down.
Similarly, I never wanted to know who replaced me in the life of a boyfriend and I never made it known to them – if they were ever interested – who replaced them. I could move on, rebuild my life but it did not have to know who was “where I stood”. That knowledge didn’t offer anything to me and as such, I never sought to know.
There are things I function better without, to those who gain strength from that knowledge, it is all there for them to find out. For me, I rather remain not knowing.
2 years ago