I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Of Illness and Love

One of the things I remember from that day was the doctor’s advice as he presented the diagnosis. “Gather all your allies and learn all you can about your enemy. That’s how a war is won. You are fighting an enemy.”

It would be a long time before I’d gather the courage to visit an informational site about the illness I had. But only a few minutes later, sitting in front of my desktop, I would wish I had never read the homepage’s information. “No known cure”; “Life expectancy 11 years after diagnosis”.

The fear immobilized me. If there was benefit in knowing what I had just learned, I failed to see it. I have never logged on to that site again. I see no benefit in it. I can live without a knowledge that hurts me or scares me. I don’t need to know how many people die annually from this illness. I need a knowledge that lifts me up, not one that puts me down.

Similarly, I never wanted to know who replaced me in the life of a boyfriend and I never made it known to them – if they were ever interested – who replaced them. I could move on, rebuild my life but it did not have to know who was “where I stood”. That knowledge didn’t offer anything to me and as such, I never sought to know.

There are things I function better without, to those who gain strength from that knowledge, it is all there for them to find out. For me, I rather remain not knowing.