I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

All Cried Out

It was one very hot summer night and I was done with my second strenuous workout of the day. I sat in my car too exhausted to even change out of my sweat saturated clothes into something dry. All I wanted was to close my eyes and stay there. And I did.

I closed my eyes and the tears started pouring. They covered my face and fell on my bare legs. I did nothing to stop them. I cried.
There was no reason, nothing upsetting in those sobs but I cried and kept crying. Then it stopped. I wiped my eyes and drove home feeling lighter. No aftermath. All gone.

I’ve seen people cry at the end of a marathon. I don’t know if they cry because they are elated for the accomplishment or disappointed with the experience. I have never cried for no reason, but I have cried for many reasons.

There have been times when I cried like I did that night, uncontrollable sobs seeking a catharsis that never came. I cried hoping to get cried out so I wouldn’t cry again. Days when I waited for the privacy of my car to cry, and many times the tears assaulted me before I made it that far. And when there were more tears left, I cried on my pillow.

I never got cried out. I never found the catharsis of a good cry. And every day, in the bathroom where I hid to cry, I’d pray that it would end one day. It didn’t. Not for a long time.

I cried many tears.

Those tears had something about them. They are like yawning, if I think about it, the feeling is back. Not because I am there in grief but because the ache of that moment was so incredibly enormous that thinking about how I felt, brings tears to my eyes. So, I don’t think about it.

Maybe I’m finally all cried out.