I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Change Of Hearts

When my friend said “you wear your heart on your sleeve” I didn’t stop to fully consider that statement.

I have not always.

We all have a realm of emotions we fully feel and are free to express but we seldom do. I, for one, never let my fa├žade show what was going on behind the door of my mind.

The masquerade never cheated the one person who really mattered, me. I could be to all what I was not but I could not be someone else to myself. I saw my own tears; I felt my own grief, I heard the pieces of my heart hit bottom. No matter what others saw or believed, I knew what broke me, what broke deep inside of me.

I don’t know exactly when the change took place. When pretending I was stronger than I was no longer made me feel strong. Or when stating that I didn’t miss a person failed to take the ache away. I don’t know when I realized that it was okay to tell someone I needed them; I wanted them in my life. At some point, maybe after falling and getting up a number of times, I finally found a way to be (more) myself.

I now shed a tear or let many tears flow even in the presence of those who have motivated those tears. I don’t hide them because hiding them does not take away the emotion that has brought them to the surface. Whether they are visible to others or not, I still feel them. Hiding has never made the journey any easier only much lonelier.

I don’t know exactly what wearing my heart on my sleeve means, but I do know that I am more myself now than I ever was. It might not be the one that others approve of, it is the one I like.