In an attempt to explain relationships, emotions and feelings many theories have emerged as a result. If feelings and relationships were an exact science no one would need to decipher them, would they?
One of the theories that have captured my attention is that of the unfinished business. The concept that we go back in time to that place in childhood that is familiar to us in an effort to finish what was left undone or incomplete. Losing a parent or having a distant parent, which is seen by a child as abandonment; losing a childhood friend; hurt; abuse; all are traumatic experiences that leave us wanting to find closure. It is said that an emotional part of us remains at that “age”. That explains why, at times, we act as 7 year olds. Those experiences are the forces that guide us in selecting our relationships.
We seem to spend our lives filling voids left behind; finding people who will right the wrong. And, as the theory goes, if we fail to correct the unfinished business in a new relationship we will perennially seek the same in others.
I wonder how many of our actions of NOW are of the present and how many are fueled by the past. I’d guess that all of them are a combination of both. We are a product of what we were and what we strive to be.
As we mature and work with the product we have become, fairness and understanding also become intrinsic goals in our lives. I wonder also how far we dare go in our understanding without stepping over the line of being permissive and in being fair, perhaps having to apologize a number of times, do we know to stop before crossing the line that converts us into doormats to be stepped on?
But any relationship we form in pursuit of filling a void of the past that compromises our dignity by demeaning us and lending us to be punching bags is unhealthy and it will not complete the void we earnestly seek to fill.
It is difficult to break the pattern; it is difficult to avoid getting hurt again. A hurt that resembles a past emotion. I don’t know what or if there is a bridge to healthy relationships from an unhealthy past. If I knew the answer, there would be no need for theories, would it?