I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Feels Like The First Time. Not a romantic poem.

It has been years since I was thrown into this path of semiannual tests to determine my health status. Each time when it’s over I look back and say “ehh, it will be easier next time” For months after the test, I am covered in the exuberance of the confidence good results give me,  then D day comes again and I crumble. It all feels like the first time.  

I am aware that my life can change in a half second when the doctor enters the room. While I wait for the results, my life stands still. I have gained some territory, though. I don’t count down three months ahead of time like I used to. It is a frequent passing thought, nevertheless; never buried too deep. Still I manage to put it out of my mind and I carry on normally until the day before when all bets are off and I am out of control. The panic overtakes my senses. I function superficially until the pressure inside of me feels like a bomb about to go off.  Conversations around me are a deafening noise I can’t take. I wring my hands trying to control my anxiety and my urge to yell ‘SHUT UP!!!” to whomever is trying their darnest to keep me company. 

It’s a tough place to be – their place - not mine. I say it’s tougher on them because I have no choice but to be here and at least I understand what I feel. They have a choice and they choose to be here with me not understanding what I am feeling and to be the target of unwarranted bursts of anger is disconcerting, at best.  

I look for signs to predict my results. I am careful of my routine, it cannot be broken nor altered. I carefully step out of the car, the same foot every time. I call the same people; pray the same prayers, but what to do when the mind has a mind of its own and it creates images you want to shut down?  I close my eyes tightly trying to rid off of the bad thoughts as if I didn’t realize they have already taken possession of my entire self.  

I look around and silently stare at the ones that seem so calm. I seem calm. Are they as afraid as I am? Did it get easier for them? I wonder. I wonder if today is just another day, because for me, it is not. It is like the first time.