I write about my life and life itself seen through my eyes for who can write through the experiences of others if not their own?

Friday, June 13, 2014

The Beat Of My Own Drum

I always write, but I don’t always put it in paper. 

Many ideas come to my mind faster than I can record them. Some stick around until they take form. Sometimes I choose one to contemplate on. 

I’m thinking about how many times I’ve tried to fix relationships in my life.  Earnestly trying to understand the whys and hows and willingly taking blame for their demise.  I have become an expert at accepting responsibility for wrongdoings and removing same from other parties as if I were the only one at fault. 

It takes two to tango. But we have not danced in unison.  

On that dance floor I’ve tried to figure out the other person’s steps feeling guilty for not following them correctly, for not understanding their lead. Trying not to step on their toes, but apologizing as if I had. 

In hindsight I realize now I have not enjoyed the dance, it has turned into a job which responsibility lies on me to keep alive driven by my unrelenting fear of being left alone. 
It has been exhausting.  

The music has not stopped, but my desire to dance to the sound of someone else’s beat has ceased. I respect whatever tune they dance to, but I don’t want to follow their steps recognizing now sometimes I don’t belong on their dance floor nor they on mine. 

It has been a lifetime lesson that I am finally grasping.  I am finding peace and happiness following my own music, dancing to my own rhythm, always aiming to perfect my steps, and yet laughing when I can’t.  

It is that music I want to follow now. It is singing along to my inner voice and it is dancing to the beat of my own heart that is making me a good dancer, a peaceful and happy dancer.